I recently attended the excellent Los Angeles domestic violence conference "From Ideology to Inclusion 2009: New Directions in Domestic Violence Research and Intervention."

The conference featured many domestic violence dissidents--researchers and clinicians who do not believe that the mainstream domestic violence establishment and its "men as perpetrators/women as victims" conceptual framework is properly serving those involved in family violence.

When discussing male victims of domestic violence on the radio, I'm often asked "Why don't they just leave?" My response has always been that they are in a difficult Catch-22:

They can't leave their wives because this would leave their children unprotected in the hands of an abuser. If they take their children, they can be arrested for kidnapping, and in any case when they're found, the children will be taken away and given to the mother. Moreover, they would probably lose custody of their children in the divorce anyway, again leaving their children in harm's way.

Denise Hines, Ph.D. is a research assistant psychology professor at Clark University and a research associate at the Family Research Laboratory and Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire. At the conference, Dr. Hines gave a presentation based on her study of this issue. What options do abused men have? And when they don't leave their wives, why not?

Hines' study included 302 heterosexual men, ages 18 to 59, who had been in a relationship lasting at least one month within the previous year, had been physically assaulted by their female partners within the previous year, and had sought outside assistance/support.  The median age of the abused men was 40, and the median age of their abusive female partners was 38.  The relationships had lasted on average a little over eight years, and 73% of them had minor children.  About two-thirds were married, separated, or divorced.

Hines found that there were many different answers to the question "Why not leave her?" These included: "marriage is for life," love, "I think she'll change," "not enough money," "nowhere to go," "embarrassed others will find out," "she threatened suicide," and "she threatened to kill someone else."

However, the biggest reason why these study respondents said they did not leave their wives or female partners was that they were "concerned about the children."  Of these, the overwhelming majority thought that if they left their abusive partners, they may "never see their children again." One explained, "I was advised that if I leave, I would hurt my chances of gaining custody of the children in the long run."

Many also feared that if they left their abusive partners, the partners would use the legal system against them.  One abused man explained:

She has promised to lie and accuse me of physical abuse against her, sexual abuse of our daughter, if that helps her win custody.

Unfortunately, we know that such tactics are often effective.  Another abused man responded:

She threatened to ruin me financially, ruin my professional reputation (we worked together), lock me out of the house, and tell the police anything she wants to tell them.

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Ganesh     |59.161.31.xxx |02-07-2009 10:29:50 Legaly all right of the husband had removed by goverment.in india today condition of man is like homeless labour but he should pay the money to wife and children who is living in bunglow.. and Goverment is doing this.. We at very early aged understand this trap, those who will understand at ther old will suffer more and more and bokk losses more and more. ..some of them will face but there daughter in Law will sue them with harder drafted Law. and later such fameist supporter will understand our meaning. Reply | Quote 0   0

Suresh   |117.192.12.xxx |02-07-2009 13:52:31 Good article. Typical to my case at least. I am married since 11 years and have a 10 yr old beautiful bright son. I was putting up with my wife's unreasonable arm twisting tactics and blackmail- typically of submittig false accusations to the police, to my employers, destroying my career and finally using my son as an emotional bargaining point. I put up with all that. But I soon realised that the home situation was getting more and more intolerable for me. And I just couldnt forsee myself living in such an environment of opression and tyranny for the rest of my life. What good a half dead father can do to his son? That became the question. I moved out and now since about a month, I have been missing my son tremendously and feeling guilty of deserting him and the dream I am duty bound to provide of a promise of his good future. I have to work to take the right course of legal action in spite of the woman centric laws and justice delivery system. In the meantime I cringe thinking of the way I have abandoned my son only to the care of that tyrannical woman. I must hasten to do something fast if only to save my son from her. Typically I feel caught between th devil and the deep sea. Reply | Quote 0   0

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